The AGSZC Files
by Deviant'Chaotic'Crow
Summary: File #2: Lemon Peels - After the tea fiasco, you would think poor Zack would have learnt something. Obviously not. Lemonade is made and Cloud is the only one sceptical. Rated M in case. Not for viewers who don't like Yaoi. Pairing: AGSZC, possible Reno/?, Tseng/Elena, Kunsel/Cissnei and Tifa/ Rufus.
1. File 1

**Summary:** Zack, though loved by many, is known to be a disaster just waiting to happen especially when left alone in a kitchen. When the raven begins experimenting with tea…His lovers are worried that they may not survive the experience.

**A/N: **My story Synergy has not been forgotten and once I am able, I will update. For now, I give you this.

**Warnings: **Language, slash and definite OoC.

**Disclaimer: **Standard disclaimer. I do not own Final Fantasy VII or any of its characters.

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**File #1: Tea Leaves**

* * *

During one week at Shinra, it had been filled with stress, several mishaps and very long hours…a combination that brought about boredom, irritation and unfortunately, inspired creativity within certain individuals.

One of said individuals happened to be a certain bouncy, energetic, raven-haired Second Class SOLDIER by the name of Zachary Fair.

...and lets just say, things did not go smoothly.

…

When Cloud Strife got seven, urgent messages from his best friend and lover, Zack, demanding that he return to their shared apartment immediately…the blond cadet was half-expecting and dreading to find some sort of impending catastrophe awaiting him when he finally arrived (because that's how life was when you had four SOLDIERS for boyfriends).

However, the young blond was not, expecting to find the other three members of his quintet relationship, seated within the living room and looking rather scared for their lives while Zack grinned brightly at him in greeting from the kitchen.

"About time you got here my little Chocobo love."

_Oh no…Zack is in the kitchen! _Was what Cloud's mind instantly screamed at him, bringing him to a complete halt as he took in the sight. _ Which idiot let him in the kitchen? _He cast them all a glare and was proud when they flinched. _Did they not remember the cupcake incident? _

There had been icing everywhere and Cloud meant 'everywhere.' Moreover, not the normal icing either, no this icing had wriggled and squirmed when you attempted to clean it…Or at least, Cloud was sure it had.

"Sit down Cloud, I made you all something." Zack announced brightly as he took note of the blond still hovering in the open doorway, mouth gaping slightly.

Well if that was not a warning to leave quickly, Cloud could not imagine what else could be. You know there has to be something very wrong, when three First Class SOLDIERS look like they were about to die painful deaths, especially when one is the revered General Sephiroth…Add in the fact that Zack has most likely spent more than ten minutes in the kitchen…Well, that was just a recipe for disaster waiting to happen.

"A-alright Zack." He consented anyway, thinking he might be worrying for no reason and took a seat between Genesis and Sephiroth, both of who were looking at him pleadingly and mouthing the words 'save us', while Angeal glared at them disapprovingly.

Cloud ignored them and got comfortable as he waited for Zack's surprise. _Whatever it was, it would be exactly that…_

_A surprise._

It was exactly five minutes later, and five minutes too late, which proved that Cloud really should have followed his instincts and ran when he still had the opportunity. Now he would have to go through the pains of acting as Zack brightly brought a tray, laden with steaming cups, into the sitting room.

"I made tea for all of us." Zack explained happily. That one statement had each of the soldiers and the small cadet cringing slightly. "I felt like doing something special for everyone since we've all been working so hard lately…and tea is apparently supposed to be calming or at least, that's what Cissnei claims."

"Oh really Zack." Angeal began, in what appeared to be warm, interested tones while the nervous twitch in his one eye said otherwise. "There was no need to go through so much trouble."

"Don't be silly Angeal; it's no trouble doing something nice for the people you love."

"…sometimes the nice thing is to not do anything." Genesis murmured, blue eyes narrowing suspiciously at the tray in Zack's hands.

Cloud figured that the temper-prone First was recalling the time Zack had tried to make breakfast, that one day the red-haired commander had been sick with a cold. Cloud didn't know what exactly had occurred that day, only that it involved lots of fire and a tray of eggs, bacon and toast that ended up stuck to their bedroom ceiling for three weeks.

The raven handed out the cups until each of them had one, and then took a seat beside Sephiroth with a large smile as he wrapped an arm around the silver-haired Generals waist.

"Well, tell me what you think?" He encouraged lightly.

Under Zack's expectant stare, Cloud hid a grimace as he brought the cup of 'tea' towards his lips and took a tentative sip, absently noting how the rooms other occupants tensed and watched the movement closely.

Who would have known that mako-infused SOLDIERS, warriors of the highest calibre, were too scared to taste a cup of tea made by their accident-prone boyfriend?

_Damn cowards…_Cloud thought acidly, closing his eyes_. If I need to get my stomach pumped, just for being too kind to tell Zack no, the word abstinence will take on a new meaning._

The blond just barely refrained from gagging as the hot liquid slid down his throat, forcing him to muster every inch of apathy he owned, to prevent himself from voicing his current thoughts that screamed '_Not tea!' _in his mind.

"So, what do you think?" Cloud heard Zack ask eagerly, and could even picture the raven-haired Second Class jumping up and down as he awaited the answer with the brightest smile known to the Planet.

He mentally counted to five before setting the 'tea' down upon the table, somehow managing to allow a small smile to grace his lips while in one breath he uttered.

"It's so nice Zack that I think I'm going to save it for later."

The three SOLDIER Firsts exchanged dubious glances, followed by hesitant looks in the direction of their own cups of 'tea'.

"Hmm, maybe the ginger I added was a bit too much." The raven murmured looking thoughtful. "...or it might have been the cayenne pepper."

_What?_

Therefore, attempt no. 1 was scrapped but it seemed that this mishap did not dampen Zack's efforts in the slightest, in fact, he only got more inspired by something he now viewed as a challenge.

…

Two days later, Cloud found himself facing attempt number two, then three and four, until he soon lost count of how many cups Zack offered him. Sometime after attempt no. 46, Cloud's latent apathy (usually reserved for people he truly hated or found irritating), had surfaced and worked well as a barrier to the tea creations that had become the bane of his existence.

"So what else is in this mystery drink? I already know it's organic because I found a hair in it." Cloud deadpanned, ignoring the muffled laughter issuing from Genesis and the reproving glare Angeal sent his way.

_Yeah, glare away Angeal. You have not had to drink ten different concoctions in the past three hours!_

"There's no hair in it!" Zack quickly exclaimed, looking indignant and glancing at the cup with notable concern.

"Of course not." Cloud began and Zack beamed. "And that's because I already choked on it."

Zack's smile vanished and he scowled.

"You're so mean."

"Can't blame a guy who wants to live past your next invention. In case you've all forgotten, I don't carry mounds of mako within my system."

The three older SOLDIERS had the decency to look slightly guilty (and guilty they should be! Given they escaped almost all of these taste sessions), but Zack in his damn obliviousness, didn't catch the implied insult towards his culinary skills.

"What's that got to do with taste-testing my tea?" He demanded with a pout.

Cloud threw his arms in the air and with a frustrated shout, stalked off in the direction of the bathroom, unable to explain to Zack that his _tea _could contend with one of Hojo's science experiments…and most likely win.

…

Zack's next attempt ended up tasting like carrion for some reason and made Angeal profoundly sick given his vegetarian status in life. The raven snubbed any attempts they made to enquire about the ingredients.

The attempt after that almost seemed to glow. Turns out Zack may have used water tainted by mako…They all refused to even smell this concoction and Zack secretly thought that was for the best…He was not trying to poison his lovers after all.

The attempt that came next had Sephiroth coughing and sneezing for over an hour…and no one could figure out why. Naturally, that batch was disposed of quickly.

After that, several more attempts followed, each as interesting and dangerous as the next, resulting in side effects of various degrees, like Genesis breaking out in a rash of green for three days, Angeal suffering mild insomnia and a love for chocolate milk and Sephiroth producing an intense fear of the colour orange.

Yet, no matter how much the three Firsts suffered, in the end it was Cloud who got it the worst. Sure, he had a caustic remark for every cup he drank, but that didn't change he fact that he simply couldn't say no to Zack without feeling horrible for it.

…

One night, Genesis and Angeal came home early to find Cloud all alone at the kitchen table…and methodically pounding his head upon its wooden surface.

"Cloud!" Genesis yelled while Angeal ran forward at pulled the blond towards him so he could prevent any further self-harm.

The blond glared at both of them from his position in Angeal's arms while their eyes narrowed on a red mark decorating the pale flesh upon Cloud's forehead and slightly hidden behind spiky bangs.

"What the fuck were you doing?" Genesis demanded.

Clouds glare deepened, not looking the least bit apologetic as he replied. "Is that a trick question? I can always provide you with a replay?"

Just then, the front door opened and Zack entered with some paper bags in his arms and a sombre-looking Sephiroth following closely behind him.

"I'm back." The raven sang and beamed when he caught sight of Angeal and Genesis. "Oh great, you're both just in time to try some new flavours."

Angeal saw the contents of Zack's grocery bags, and then glanced at the table where Cloud had been sitting and saw the dozens of cups that littered its surface, along with empty packages of what had once contained assorted tea.

"Oh…" He heard Genesis murmur and Angeal released Cloud, kissing him apologetically on his red skin.

"Sorry."

"You can be sorry after he force feeds you several cups of tea." Sephiroth intoned dryly and the other two Firsts paled dramatically. "I swear I saw him purchase seaweed..."

Cloud dropped his head back onto the table.

…

Cloud managed to escape several tea experiments by requesting extra night shifts, even going as far as to beg his fellow cadets to give him theirs.

It didn't last long though, for soon the other cadets got suspicious, seeming to think Cloud was plotting something…and no matter how hard he tried to explain, they would not believe him.

Therefore, the blond went back to being a test subject.

…

Clouds left eye twitched._ It was impossible for him, to ever, call the contents of that cup, tea._

The murky, brown liquid seemed to bubble and the faint odour made the blonde's nose wrinkle in distaste. He desperately wanted to look away from the strange and possibly toxic drink, but to do so, he would have to risk meeting Zack's gaze…and that was definitely something he was gong to avoid for as long as he could.

"Please babe-."

"No." His tone voiced a firm resolution that would not budge an inch. He was through risking his life. There were other ways to commit suicide...ways that did not damage his pride.

_Where were the other three and why weren't they home yet?_

"Awww, come on Spike…"

"I said no, Zack." He had to stand firm. His life depended on it.

"Cloud-"

"I said no." Cloud snapped, finally unable to care if Zack's feelings got hurt. "I refuse to drink any more of the medical epidemics you call _tea!_"

Then Cloud made the mistake of looking in Zacks direction and…well, the sight of the ravens bottom lip trembling and his blues flashing with numerous emotions that Cloud didn't care to count, had the blond on his feet in a split-second and wrapping his arms around the taller man.

"Oh don't cry Zack, please don't. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

Zack sniffed and refused to even look his way. Guilt squirmed within Cloud and he bit his lip.

"I didn't mean it so harshly…It's just…"

"You don't like my tea." Zack deadpanned, his violet eyes narrowed in a hurt glare.

"No." Cloud answered, unable to lie to his boyfriend any longer.

Zack drew a deep breath and stood, firmly removing himself from the blonde's embrace.

"Wait Zack, don't be like this…I didn't mean to hurt your feelings and it's not like you've even tasted any your inventions…" Cloud broke off, his expression going from pained and guilty, to confused and thoughtful while Zack froze in his retreat.

"You've never tasted any of them, have you?" The blond questioned curiously, mildly stunned by this sudden revelation.

"Uh…No?"

Blue eyes darkened and Zack gulped.

_...he should flee._

* * *

"Do you hear that?" Genesis asked with a frown.

"What do you-"

Angeal and Sephiroth listened closely to the sounds coming from the other side of their apartment door and soon Angeal was hurriedly unlocking the door, fearing that Zack had finally killed their cute little blond.

The three SOLDIERs rushed in but stopped dead in the doorway to the scene before them.

"Drink it!"

"No! Never!"

"You better taste it Zack because you don't even want to imagine what I'll do if you don't!"

"You monster!"

Cloud had the larger teen pinned down on the floor, while still managing to dangle the cup of whatever Zack's latest concoction had been while said raven tried to escape.

"I see he finally snapped." Sephiroth commented.

"Should we rescue the Puppy?" Genesis asked.

"I think we'll give it a few minutes." Angeal answered and when the others gave him a surprised glance he shrugged. "Zack deserves a little punishment after what he made us drink and Cloud needs to vent."

The three settled down to watch the on-going struggle.

"Open wide Zack." Cloud sang with a devious smirk.

"No..."

_Sometimes, retribution was heavenly._

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**A/N: **Uh, yeah…Not entirely sure where this came from, but if people like it then I might have done something right. Please review.


	2. File 2

**Summary:** Sequel to 'Tea Leaves.' Considering the outcome of his attempt to make _tea, _one would presume Zack had learnt something about his culinary aptitude. Sadly, for his lovers, that's just not the case.

Thanks to all who reviewed, made a favourite or alert :-). This is a short one.

**Warnings: **Language, slash and definite OoC.

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**File #2: Lemon Peels**

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"No! Not a snowballs chance in hell." Cloud declared vehemently, crossing his arms over his chest for emphasis. "Remember his tea? I will not be touching, tasting, smelling or even looking at any of Zack's inventions…Not even if there's ten feet between us."

_What was wrong with them? Had their last training session induced some sort of amnesia?_

_...maybe they needed a brick to the head to think more clearly?_

"Don't you think that's a bit harsh, pet?" Angeal queried reproachfully from his spot between Sephiroth and Genesis upon the large sofa.

"I call it self-preservation." Cloud stated loftily. "Survival Tactics 101."

_Yeah, clearly going through some type of memory loss._

"Survival tactics?" Sephiroth queried, emerald eyes briefly leaving the contents of his newspaper to gaze at the small blond with curiosity.

"Yeah, rule no. 1…Never eat anything made by one named Zachary Fair." Cloud informed his silver-haired lover, even going as far as to count it off his fingers. "No. 2…Never ever, _ever_ let yourself be guilt-tripped, conned or forced into being a taste tester, guinea pig or victim to your boyfriend's science experiment, unless you are a masochist."

"Aren't you being a little melodramatic?" Genesis smirked causing Cloud to glare in his direction.

"Says the one who almost burnt our apartment down when Zack made breakfast or the fact that all three of you almost always made excuses not to drink any tea." The blond snapped. "So, no, I'm not."

"That was weeks ago Cloud, and he's only making lemonade." Genesis retorted. "What could go wrong?"

Cloud groaned and threw his arms in the air.

_The world could end? He could die!_

"That's what you thought when he was _only _making tea." He half-yelled. "This is Zack we're talking about. With him, something's bound to happen, even if it's _just _lemonade."

"We gave him a recipe and bought the ingrediants." Angeal added. "It will help."

"Cissnei gave him a recipe last time too." Cloud deadpanned and headed towards the front door. "He got creative."

"Zack did apologise after all that manhandling you put him through." Sephiroth said quietly. "Besides, Reno has agreed to join us, so it can't be that bad if the Turk is trusting Zachary enough to taste."

The three SOLDIERS smiled at the little blond who huffed feeling betrayed.

_The world is against me._

"Fine." He relented. "But if I die, I'm going to haunt all your arses."

"Ooooh, kinky." Genesis smirked.

"And if Zack dies, don't say I didn't warn you." Cloud added, ignoring the comment and leaving the room.

_He loved them all...but sometimes he really had to wonder._

* * *

"Cloud, what is that?" Reno asked with a confused frown. He had arrived ten minutes ago and had been watching the young man who was his best friend for a while, a little worried about the dark frown on his features

The blond shrugged and patted him baseball bat looking nonplussed.

"Insurance."

On the couch across from them, Sephiroth snorted softly while Genesis rolled his eyes and Angeal sighed.

"Relax Cloud, Zack isn't going to poison you." Angeal said and Cloud glared at the larger man.

"Says you."

Whatever reply Angeal tried to make, was cut off by Zack entering the room with a tray of tall glasses.

"Great." Cloud muttered under his breath. "Larger containers with more room to hold toxic waste."

Genesis elbowed him in the ribs and looked reproachful. _Hmm, wasn't that usually Angeal's job?_

"Ssshhh."

Cloud stuck his tongue out.

"Oh real mature." Gen hissed.

Cloud shrugged and then refocused on Zack and the lemonade-that-may-cause-death.

"So, what's in it?" He asked casually.

"You were with us when we did the shopping." Angeal murmured, his eyes holding a warning. Cloud ignored him.

_Lived through last taste-testing session. Would like to live through another._

Zack blushed.

"I followed the recipe exactly and used only the ingredients given."

Zack's violet-tinted eyes sought Clouds and the blond squirmed uncomfortably under the intense scrutiny.

"I promise babe."

Part of Cloud was protesting that he shouldn't give in, that something was bound to be wrong...but then another part of him wondered what could be so bad? If Zack had followed the recipe correctly, then surely his lemonade would be fine?

"Come on Cloud." Reno smiled. "Let's try the poor puppies lemonade."

"Alright."

The raven beamed and proceeded to hand out the glasses, one to each of them and one for himself.

Cloud couldn't help inspect the yellow liquid (wondering if his inner concern was imagining that peppery smell) before he took a small sip.

_What did I do in a past life?_

There was a round of coughing and spluttering, some colourful cursing from Reno and Genesis, while Cloud calmly put down his glass and raised his bat slightly.

"Zack." He said. "From now on, you don't cook anything unless someone is with you in that kitchen or by the Planet I swear I will castrate you. End of discussion."

Zack nodded as he fanned his tongue. The blond then glared at his other three lovers.

"Melodramatic am I? We'll see who's melodramatic when you all go celibate for a week."

With that the blond stormed off.

Reno whistled as his friend left and placed down his offensive 'lemonade.'

"Zack, I don't even want to know how you managed that."

Zack frowned.

"I swear I followed everything to the letter and didn't use anything that wasn't in the packet."

Angeal kissed his forehead and stood to take the glasses back to the kitchen.

"I believe you pup."

Meanwhile, Genesis and Sephiroth were staring at the bedroom door that Cloud had disappeared behind.

"You think he was serious?" The redhead asked.

Sephiroth shrugged.

"Only one way to find out."

* * *

Hojo frowned at the white packets that were not exactly the white packets he remembered buying at the shops. _Sugar?_

"This isn't my Special Blend Wutain Pepper."

* * *

**A/N: **Love it or hate it? Please let me know.

Note: My version of Cloud is most likely always going to be sarcastic.

If there are any requests for pairings or situations, let me know. I have three more planned, but after that I will need ideas.


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